


They Call Me MISTER Platypus

by Westpass



Series: Insomnia A.M. [6]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AKA Team Platypus, Civil War Team Iron Man, Mama Rhodes - Freeform, Not Steve Friendly, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Rhodey is so done with this shit, Stick a fork in him, Team Rhodes, he's done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-29 07:46:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15068477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Westpass/pseuds/Westpass
Summary: Rhodes' thoughts post CA: CW on super soldiers, Black Widows, spider kids and a few other matters





	1. Chapter 1

*ring* ring* ring* 

"You've reached the number of Colonel James Rhodes, U.S. Air Force. I'm not able to answer the phone right now. Don't hang up, you called for a reason. Leave your name and number and I'll get back to you ASAP." 

_Rhodes...it's Steve. Rogers. I've been trying to contact Tony, but...I know this hasn't been easy for anyone. I'm sorry for how things went. But Clint Barton and Scott Lang need help and I, I honestly don't know who else to ask. Could you ask him to get in touch with me, or with T'Challa? Please."_ " *click*

Rhodey counted to ten.  
Then to thirty-one.  
When that didn't help, he recited the alphabet backward. It was a trick his Momma had taught him,when he was little, to help 'quiet his mind'. While he knew he wasn't in Tony's league for intelligence--hell, who was?-- he'd had some hyperactive times, like a number of high IQ kids without sufficient challenge. Education and then military discipline had given him a channel for restless energy by the time he was deployed overseas on his first mission.

He pressed the Delete button on the answering machine. _You know, Rogers, apologies for beating someone half to death, without ever trying to make amends, don't mean a hell of a lot. And delivered long distance....I never thought you were a coward, but the evidence keeps piling up, doesn't it?_

*ring*

"Pepper? Is everything all right?"

_"I was actually calling to ask you that. Tony said your latest test with the exoskeleton didn't go so well? He's worried you may be angry with him or getting discouraged."_

"And of course he won't ask me because he's afraid he knows the answer." Rhodes sighed. "If we ever see Rogers or Romanoff again, remind me to smack them upside the head with a sledgehammer, would you?"

_Rogers, certainly. I'm calling dibs on little miss snake in the grass."_

"Oooh, can I sell tickets?"

" _Only if I get twelve percent of the take."_

"Deal. Now Tony...Something he can do, would help. He can't speed up time's passing, and no, we won't say that to him. With our luck he'd start working on a time machine next. But...Hm. Maybe if I asked him for a bot or an AI helper like Friday? I have to say, I could always use an extra pair of hands here."

_"I'm sure he'd love to build one for you. That's brilliant, Rhodey._

"Aw shucks. Okay. I'll call him tonight--" *beeps* "Crap. Pepper, I've got Thunderbolt calling on the other line. I should go."

Softly, " _I love you, Rhodey."_

"Love you too, Pepper-pot. Don't worry. It'll be okay, in time. We've all survived worse. " 

_"Give him hell._ "

*click*


	2. Chapter 2

Rhodes was beginning to understand Tony's enjoyment of putting Thaddeus Ross on hold. 

"No, Mr. Secretary, at present that's not an option we're exploring. Spider-Man was deputized temporarily to assist us with detaining Rogers and his accomplices in Germany. He isn't an Avenger, nor has he expressed any interest in signing the Accords. Given that he doesn't operate internationally, he isn't required to do so."

 _"That's unacceptable. At the very least we need to know who he is--_ "

"Mr. Ross." Rhodes cut him off, deliberately omitting the man's title. "We've been talking in circles for almost thirty minutes. The situation as it stands is not within your purview. Spider-Man is not obligated to reveal his identity, nor to commit to work with the Avengers. Refusing to take 'no' for an answer will not change it to a yes. This is his choice to make. The law allows him that right." _And if you think I'm going to let you get your hands on a child super-soldier... not damn likely. I heard enough from Bruce Banner about how you treated adults who worked for or with you, people you couldn't just 'disappear' into your little private supermax. People in hell want ice water, asshole._

" _Well. Laws change every day. A smart man keeps his ear to the ground instead of planting himself like a tree."_

"No doubt that's true," Rhodes said blandly. "One might also say that a _smart_ man wouldn't want to be exposed as covering up the murder of civilians for several years." 

" _Rogers' conduct was appalling,"_ Ross replied, sounding a little thrown by the apparent change of subject. _"I can absolutely agree with that. Frankly, I was impressed that Stark didn't shove a missile down his throat. I don't think very many people would've blamed him."_

"Rogers may not have thought it mattered after so long. Collateral damage. Stuff that happens ten or twenty-five years ago? Old news. These days of the ten-minute attention span...oh, I'm sure the people directly involved would remember it very vividly, but other than that? Rogers ain't big on putting himself in other people's shoes." 

Rhodes was silent for a moment, then, "If there's nothing else I can do for you, sir, I need to get back to some other duties. Good afternoon."

 _"Goodbye for now,_ " Ross answered curtly, and hung up.

Rhodey's jaw tightened. _Great. So he knows, or suspects, that Rogers contacted us. Blackmail 101. Stupid, Ross. You think you're the only one  
who's tried to run this sort of game on Stark or his allies? Strike Three. You're out._

"Hansen, you back yet?" he called.

His aide appeared in the office doorway. "Yes, sir. I have those donuts you wanted. They only had one left with sprinkles, sorry."

"You only need to be sorry if you ate it. " Rhodes wheeled around his desk, reaching for the brown paper bag the young man held. "When your scheduled work's done, dig out what we've got for background on Thunderbolt, and see if you can get ahold of Dr. Elizabeth Ross. We may need to talk to her sooner than I'd thought."  
_Two can play at this game. And Tony and I have been doing it a lot longer than you seem to realize._

Hansen reluctantly surrendered the donuts, saluted, and left the room.


	3. Chapter 3

*ring* ring* 

_"Hey, Platypus!"_

"Hi, Tones. I was working on my exercises. It's getting a little easier. But I also wanted to ask about another favor, if...you'd be okay with it..."

" _Hm? Anything your awesome self desires, you know that, Rhodeybear._ "

"Would you feel comfortable trusting me with one of your AIs? Trying to wear this many hats...I know how you felt about the way people reacted after Ultron. I didn't want to bring it up. But I could use the help, and from someone who doesn't have divided loyalties...or an appetite for donuts."

" _Awww, you want one of my babies? That's huge, but sure. It'd be my pleasure to make you a daddy._ "

Rhodes snorted lukewarm coffee out his nose. 

_"*snicker* Gotcha..."_ *more seriously, " _Coding a full new AI would take me a few weeks. There's one in dormancy, I haven't put him online yet but he's ready to go. I'd just need to tweak it a bit so he'd interface with you instead of me. It'd be easiest if you came to the Tower for that part."_  
The hopeful note in Tony's voice made Rhodes decide that he was going, and Pentagon or UN requests be damned.

He hadn't heard _hope_ from his brother since they carried him home from Siberia in blood-smeared, broken armor. 

_"Sounds good. This weekend, or is that too soon?"_

_"No, that'd be great...is...Today's Monday. Right. That would work._ " 

"All right. I'll swing by the Tower Friday morning. We can make a weekend of it. I'll bring one of Momma Rhodes' pecan pies." 

" _OOOH...oh! and think about a name. The AI doesn't have one yet._ " 

Rhodes thought about it. " Oskar?" 

_"OSCAR??? The green grouch from Sesame Street?!"_

"Actually, I was thinking O-s-k-a-r, as in Schindler's List." 

_"Huh. That's...actually good. I liked that movie too. It's a date!"_

"You got it. See you soon." 

_Don't forget the pie!"_

*click* 

Rhodes smiled, then glanced at the Caller ID on the other line. He picked it up. "Deputy Ross?" 

" _Hello, Colonel Rhodes. You asked to be contacted when we were done with forensic analysis from the bunker in Siberia._ " 

"Yes. Though I doubt the results would be all that surprising. I've seen what that shield does to hard surfaces before now." 

_"I imagine you have. "_ Ross' usual snark was absent. _"The shield is legally property of the Avengers Initiative, from what records we have, so I'm fine with releasing it to you as the team leader along with a copy of our reports._ " 

"Traps need bait," Rhodes murmured to himself--or mostly so. 

" _That's how it is, eh? Do you want it shipped to your home base, or Stark Tower?"_ Everett asked thoughtfully. 

"Here. Openly, thanks. We've had enough of people keeping secrets around here. Not that I mean to broadcast all our activities, but..." 

" _Roger that. Our courier will be there sometime in the next two days. Good hunting, Rhodes._ " 

"Thanks. " 

_*click*_


	4. Chapter 4

*ring* ring* ring*

_"Um. Hello?"_

"Hello. Would this be Dr. Elizabeth Ross?"

_"Yes, and you are...?"_

"My name is James Rhodes, Dr. Ross. Bruce Banner gave me and Anthony Stark this number, listing you as an emergency contact. 'How's it going with you? Still busy with the local community theater'?"

" _'Not since I wrapped up playing Lady MacBeth last summer'. "_ A note of relief was audible in her voice. A thief or hacker might have gotten the number off Bruce, but not the 'password' they'd established. _" Right. I know he's been working with Mr. Stark and the rest of the Avengers... until the trouble last year..._ " 

"He's been off the grid since Sokov--"

 _"--Mr. Rhodes, I can't guarantee that this line is secure._ "

"Understood. Which is why I'm not asking if you know where Bruce is at present. I called to discuss a matter related to your past research. Could we meet in person? At Stark Tower, in New York?" 

* _"...Possibly. If Mr. Stark can contact me and arrange safe transportation, I'd be willing. I'm trying to stay off some people's radar as well, including my biological father's._ " 

"Yes, we can manage that. I'll have Tony get in touch with you. Good luck to anyone who tries to get past his security measures. Thank you, ma'am." 

_"I'm curious now. And Bruce said Tony was one of very few people who didn't look at him and see a threat or an opportunity. I'd like a chance to thank him for that." *unhappy sigh* "Well, I hope to see you both soon._ " *click*

Hansen came to the door. "I have Christine Everhart on Line Two, sir. Are you in?" 

Rhodes smiled tightly. "Of course." 

_"Good afternoon, Colonel."_

"Miss Everhart. It's lovely to hear from you again. What can I do for you ?"

_"Uh oh. If you're shoveling on the 'press charm' that thick already, **somebody** is in deep trouble."_

"Isn't somebody always in trouble? Uneventful days don't make for interesting news."

_"I wondered if you or Mr. Stark would like to comment on the future of the Avengers now, after the incident at Leipzig Airport."_

"You can quote me on this: 'Mr. Stark and I have discussed the future of the Avengers Initiative. We are in negotiations with the Accords Council of the UN to restructure the team, to meet the requirements of the Sokovia Accords while continuing to operate. We will be approaching other Enhanced individuals who might be suitable to join our ranks. With the removal of Steven Rogers from the team, I will be assuming overall command of the Avengers.' "

 _"Congratulations are in order, or condolences?_ "

"We'll see. So far, we're doing well. "

 _Stark hasn't appeared in public since that incident..._ " Christine trailed off, hoping for a response.

"The man's busy. Contrary to viral rumors, neither of us is dead or dying. I can send you a selfie of me if you'd like photo evidence."

" _Sure, go ahead._ " 

Rhodes took the picture, texting it to her phone. He sat behind his desk, visibly healthy. The wheelchair was hidden from view. 

"Any more questions?"

" _None I think you'd answer,"_ she laughed, " _but I have enough for now. Bye-bye...War Machine. Good luck._ " 

*ring* ring*

" _James?_ "

"Hi, Momma. How are you?"

" _ **I'm** fine. Aside from still wanting to beat that man Rogers with your father's old cricket bat. What was he thinking??"_

"I don't understand it either. Not sure I want to. But leave that for now? I'm calling with a request on Tony's behalf..."


End file.
